The language we use with our children—and the manner in which we use it—matters. We used to believe the old adage: “Sticks and stones may break bones, but words shall never hurt.” However, as we have learned more about the human psyche and how children think and grow, we know that words can cause a great deal of harm, even when they are not meant to.
Even with the best of intentions and despite using phrases that were passed down from their own parents, it’s essential for parents to be intentional and thoughtful about what they say and how they say it to their children. Parenting styles vary, and personal beliefs often guide the way parents speak to their kids. However, here are five commonly used phrases that can be problematic, along with alternative approaches to consider.
1. “Don’t Talk to Strangers”
While many of us were raised hearing this phrase, it can actually put your child in danger rather than keep them safe as intended. Parents often use it to protect their children against the possibility of abductions or untrustworthy adults, but the concept of a “stranger” can be difficult for young children to grasp. As Parents.com explains, even if someone is unfamiliar, children may not view them as a stranger if they’re friendly. Moreover, the phrase might discourage kids from seeking help from police, firefighters, or other emergency responders when needed.
Instead of repeating “don’t talk to strangers,” focus on teaching your children about specific scenarios where caution is warranted. For example, discuss what to do if someone offers them candy or asks them to go somewhere without your permission. This approach helps children respond thoughtfully to potential dangers rather than relying on a blanket rule. An article in Psychology Today explains that children need assertiveness training and help in identifying adults who are usually safe. Additionally, criminals often prey on shy or timid children, so a child who is overly quiet and is afraid of interaction may be an easier target.
2. “Be a Man!”
This phrase is often used to encourage boys to display strength or toughness in challenging situations. While the intention may be to instill strength of character, the phrase can be confusing and even damaging. As Joe DeProspero notes in The Huffington Post, “Telling a child to be something they aren’t yet and have no concept of is a frivolous exercise.” Additionally, the phrase may perpetuate the stereotype that women cannot exhibit strength.
Instead, encourage your child to “be as strong as they can be” while reminding them that it’s okay to feel vulnerable. Support their efforts and let them know you’ll always have their back, no matter what.
3. “Suck it Up” or “You’re Okay”
When children experience distress, it’s natural for parents to want to help them push through. However, phrases like “suck it up” or “you’re okay” can invalidate their feelings and add a layer of negativity to an already difficult situation. Dr. Jenn Berman, quoted in Parents.com, explains: “Telling them they're fine may only make them feel worse. Your kid is crying because they are not okay.”
A more compassionate response involves acknowledging their feelings. For instance, say: “I see that you’re upset. Let’s figure this out together.” This reassures children that their emotions are valid and that they can rely on you for support.
4. “Because I Said So”
When faced with endless questions, it’s tempting to respond with “because I said so.” While understandable, this phrase discourages open communication and can create a sense of authoritarianism. As Jennifer Poindexter writes in A Fine Parent: “The response sets the stage for an authoritarian parenting style that discourages thoughtful communication and can increase fear and anxiety in our kids.”
Instead, provide a brief, calm explanation. By doing so, you show your children that their questions matter and that you’re open to communication—even during challenging moments. This approach helps foster a trusting relationship.
5. “Practice Makes Perfect”
Teaching perseverance is an essential part of parenting, but the phrase “practice makes perfect” can set unrealistic expectations. As Melanie Edwards explains in ModernMami.com, the pursuit of perfection can cause anxiety and even discourage children from trying for fear of failure.
A better alternative is to encourage improvement over perfection. Saying “practice makes better” reinforces the value of effort while assuring children that making mistakes is part of the learning process. This subtle shift helps children build confidence while maintaining a healthy perspective.
The words we use with our children have the power to shape their emotional development and self-perception. By choosing our language thoughtfully, we can foster resilience, self-confidence, and a strong foundation for communication. As parents, our goal is not only to guide but also to empower our children—one intentional phrase at a time.